In some mediations, I ask myself why people so resolutely retain their anger, their bitterness, or their hurt for such long periods of time. Often mediation takes place only after a conflict has escalated and hardened and been going on for a while, in some cases many years. If feelings of anger and bitterness persist over years, I can’t help but feeling that this is a sad way to spend your life. And often, it is the people who have felt this way for a long time who do not leave mediation much changed, at least on the surface. And it is often people who feel so hurt who refuse to engage in mediation after the first intake interview. They cannot imagine settlement, let alone reconciliation. They remain angry. Or hurt.

 

Is this appeal for forgiveness akin to the classic mediation story with the punchline: “an apology was what they wanted most”? Actually I think not, although it might seem like it. I think it goes deeper than that. This is an appeal to accept what went wrong and move on in compassion for yourself and the other. And it is the compassion here that makes separating the person from the action so different to separating the people from the problem. There is a large qualitative difference between compassion and empathy.

I sometimes wish I could ask some of the people in my mediations if their anger makes them any happier, or their lives more fulfilling. I sometimes wish I could recommend to them that they ask themselves if it is healthy for them to stay so angry, or so bitter. I sometimes wish I could talk to them about compassion, both with themselves and with others. Reading Noah Levine has given me more courage to consider questions like these in future.

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